This post will be short. If it is sweet, that is for you to decide. In 2015, one of the most amazing things happened to me. I went to an amazing Christian college and God rocked my world in a way I only dreamt about. While going to school, for work-study I got to live the promise of an answered prayer… I got to work in Christian Television.
In the beginning, I was an assistant to an assistant, which made my job really chill and fun. I never had to face the pressure. But then, my second year of college, my supervisor moved away and I took her place. I also stepped into the role of dorm leadership, and I wasn’t good at doing both, but by the grace of God I made it through and I found myself graduating at the end of my second year (it was a two year junior college) and the TV Department of the church the college was connected to offered me a job. I didn’t take it because I decided to do a third year, to earn a second degree, I moved up in ranks in dorm leadership, and the TV Department got a new boss.
I lived in constant fear feeling like I wasn’t a good enough student, employee, or dorm leader. I dealt with spiritual warfare on a level I never faced before. If you don’t believe demons mess with Christians… let me tell you, I’m a Christian that battled demons!
I’m a person that likes to handle things alone, so I didn’t really tell anyone what I was going through but a handful of people.
I allowed my struggles to become so big, I became a poor student, a poor employee, and a poor dorm leader. And instead of placing all my hope in Jesus, I placed all my hope in people and things and especially my job. I overworked trying to get a job in the TV Department after I graduated again. I even stayed and did an internship, trying to earn a place at a church I convinced myself God wanted me to be there. Maybe He did or maybe He didn’t, all I know is that got more comfortable doing my thing than asking God what to do and trusting Him to do His thing my life.
At the end of internship, I got to stay in the dorms a month longer. I found a place to live, I moved my things over there, and I bought a one way ticket home believing I would be able to drive back with a car. The longest I planned to be away was three weeks. Due to things out of my control, weeks became longer, and I was informed via email the church was not going to hire me in their TV Department.
Sure, I was wrecked. I went from hopeful to hopeless in seconds and I feared my dreams weren’t going to come true without working at that place and living in that city.
Now, I could have gone back and found a job elsewhere and volunteered at the church to stay connected until that had a job there, but I still didn’t have a car.
After talking to a friend and praying, I felt the Lord leading me to give up my place in the city this ministry was at, and thank GOD I had friends to help move my stuff somewhere else. As I did this, I realized I made that city and that ministry an idol and put all my expectations in the wrong the place.
My expectations should always be in the Lord, and my HOPE should always be in Jesus, but I was so unhappy in my profession. Yes, I loved making Christian TV, but not from behind the scenes sitting at a desk… I wanted to be in front of the screen or at the very least, directing…
I also formed some bad habits not good for my walk with Jesus. I lived in fear, doubt, and unbelief. I had bitterness and unforgiveness toward other people. I didn’t pray and fast as nearly as much as I needed to, and I told little white lies a little too much. I also had a hard time submitting to delegated authority and I did not do my job with integrity or excellence and by integrity, I mean I would leave early with unfinished projects and I would show up late often. Not that bad in the eyes of man, but not appropriate. As far as excellence goes, I was too stressed all the time to do anything well or I would pretend to know how to do something when I really didn’t know how to do it at all.
Who wants to live like that? When I did pray, I prayed asking God if I could just volunteer there and work somewhere else, because I would walk in the office depressed. It was one giant reminder I wasn’t pursuing or living my dreams.
I know God allowed that door to be closed because my heart wasn’t in the right place. I trusted that ministry to get me where only God can take me. And in that place, I wasn’t doing life intimately with God anymore. He had to pull the cord and make me cry out for Him to hold me again.
Ironically, the week I found out I wouldn’t be hired onto to staff, was the week the pastor of the ministry was ministering how God was taking away our idols. I love how God works, He has such a great sense of humor.
As of right now, I do believe I’ll go back to that city, and I’ll be involved with that church somehow, but until then, I’m letting God stay in His rightful place in my heart and in my life, above all and above everything (I know that’s redundant but I love how it sounds).