I don’t want to be here
Why do I exist?
For the longest time-
I felt like I was for you
And you were for me
Like we were cosmically meant to be
But now, I can’t talk to you
I don’t deserve you
You’re clearly fine without me
Better even now that you have a savior
I wish I could be like you
I wish I could believe in magic
I wish I could believe in a god
But all I’ve ever known is-
I don’t even know what I know
I wish I could get drunk
I wish I was heartless enough to get high
Without you I feel like I’m drowning
Without you I want to die
Without you I mean nothing
Your heartbeat keeps me going
You’re the one good thing in my life
With you, the future is bright
With you, I can weather any fight
It’s crazy how we’ve never met
You don’t even have a personality yet
And when I close my eyes
I dream of your smile
I listen to your possible little voice
Saying, “I love you.”
Hear me, if you can
I love you
I sort of want to wake up tomorrow
I can’t promise I’ll stay with you
But my life looks better with you
So here’s to the next day
Me with you in me
“Belated Merry Christmas”
Jewel messaged me online today, my last day of Winter Break and asked if we could meet up at Gimmel Park by Brink. The girls missed me and wanted to give me a Christmas gift. She promised the jerk wouldn’t be with them. At first, I was so angry and I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to go because she’s still with the jerk… but I missed Genie and Albany like crazy.
When Netty asked me where I was going, I told her to meet up with Kaylie. Lying to her is getting easier and I’m not sure why… I thought for sure the other night when I yelled at Derek on FaceTime and told him the truth that Netty and Deshuan overheard everything, but they didn’t. They just knew I went ballistic and I lost my phone privileges for a few days.
Derek won’t stop calling and texting me, but I just ignore him. I can’t take preachiness from him. I’m used to it from Netty, but not from him.
For the first time, in a long time, I take the bus. An old man gave up his front seat for me. Being pregnant has some advantages.
I forgot how soothing the bus can be. The loud hum of the engine. The warmth the overcrowded-ness brings. Looking out the window, watching the buildings along the road blur together, just peaceful.
The bus driver lowers the bus to make it easier for me to step off. Bussing it isn’t so bad. I guess it depends on how you look at things. I could find a million reasons to hate taking the bus, but I could easily find things I like about riding the bus… and even though the good may not out way the bad, the good reasons are better, and have more value than the bad things… This baby must be producing good hormones because I kind of love my life right now.
Jewel sits on a bench by the playground. Genie and Albany are too absorbed in their imaginary world to notice me. Or maybe they do see me, but they’re ignoring me. They rarely ever get to go to the park. The fact that Jewel is with them, at the park, they’re busy making a good memory while it lasts.
Jewel loudly smacks her gum as I take a seat next to her.
“Look at them. If I knew taking them to the park would make them this fluffing happy, I would have done this sniff fluffing forever ago.”
“Yeah…” I say softly. I’m scared. Like, how quickly will this get sour?
“So ah, you want to come back and live with us? The fluffing jerk is gone. That butthole was stealing from the store and tried to pin it on me… he didn’t get any jail time, but he’s got a record now.”
Jewel’s been stealing from the store since she’s been working there. Did she frame the jerk for me?
“Oh yeah… when did that happen?”
“A few days after you left… I noticed you left your shoes by the door… Your feet okay?”
“Yeah… Netty patched me up really good. She took me to a doctor to make sure I didn’t do any permanent damage.”
“You like it at Nurse Netty’s?” Jewel wonders.
I shrug my shoulders. I’m afraid to admit yes. Staying neutral is safe.
“I quit smoking. I got those nicotine patches and gum. I wish I could afford the pill.”
“Yeah, turns out getting burned by a fluffing cigarette hurts like sniff!” Jewel laughs.
I catch the contagion of her laughter and together we crack up uncontrollably. The baby kicks like crazy. I put my hands on my belly and beg the booger to stop.
“What?! SNIFF! You alright?” Jewel says leaning across the bench, holding her hands in front me like she’s about to catch me from falling forward.
“I’m fine. The baby was just kicking…It annoys me.”
“Ah, babies do annoying sniff all the time and there’s nothing you can do really to force them to stop. And if we’re being honest, the annoying things are the cutest things.” Jewel smiles… “When I was seven months pregnant with Genie, any time Mexican music played, she would just go wild in my womb. She had to be fluffing dancing, because now, any time Mexican music is playing-,”
In unison we say, “She dances like crazy.”
Laughing in sync again, Jewel adds, “She’s not even Mexican!”
“We still lived on the Southside, before Bobby lost his house. Remember how, there were always parties going on?”
“O my God! I felt like we were in Mexico… not that I hated it. Maria, in 2431, made a mean margarita!” Jewel covers her mouth trying to force herself to stop laughing.
“Savvy!” Genie screams running towards me.
I lean forward to swoop that little beauty into my arms. I hug her so hard I don’t care if I break her. I smother her ridiculously in kisses. When Albany comes up, I spare an arm to hook her in my clutches too.
“Come home Savvy,” Genie says with her adorable pouty lip, and puppy dog eyes.
“Yeah Sav, we miss you.” Albany says.
“It will just be us girls. No jerks. No fluffing men. Just us.” Jewel says.